「恋は思案のほか」 Love is Without Reason

2010: Disastrous Year?

2010-01-23T23:00:00.000-08:00

Ugh so yeah. So many things have been happening lately that I'm so scared of facing this year. Like, a few of my friends broke up with their boyfriends, and I almost broke up with my boyfriend-- twice. And those happened almost all at the same time. It's just scary.

I told my friends what I thought about all this, and they agreed with me that 2010 hasn't been a good year so far. I do hope it'll get better though. I mean, come on, I'm graduating in a few months, and I will most likely start going to college this fall. I'm turning 18 this year, too. It'll be too sad if things can't get better.

How can things get better, though? It just seems like everyone is in such bad moods because of various reasons. And from what I've noticed, when one is in a bad mood, they tend to be more self-centered, and can be selfish. They hurt others in a way, and they just don't realize that. When they finally have come to realize what they have done wrong, it's all too late. When they want to start making things better, things have changed and so much of what shouldn't be said has been said and done. When they feel the need to apologize, apologies don't matter anymore. When they try to change, they have become too selfish to try to change whole-heartedly.

I know that people change no matter what as time passes. Two people can grow apart sometimes, even though they are so close with each other. But what I don't understand is that, how can one stop caring? Doesn't that mean they don't need us anymore? Doesn't that mean they have become so confident that they think they're always right and no matter what they do we can always forgive them because we love them?

Well, patience has limitations. So does one's sanity. I can't stay quiet about one thing that bothers me 99% of the time. I can't just accept the fact that there are things that need to be fixed in this relationship, but are apparently left alone, because he doesn't think it's that big of a deal. I also can't always wait for him while he doesn't even care what in the earth is happening in my life. I can't always accept excuses, especially when they don't make sense. "I forgot to call you," he said. You said you would; I asked you specifically to call me and write it down somewhere in case you forget it, because I know that you are forgetful and i care about our relationship. "I just don't see what's wrong with that. If I asked my friends right now, they would say I didn't do anything wrong." DUH. They're YOUR friends. If I asked my friends, they would agree with me too. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time trying to make you understand how I feel. Then when I think I have finally made you understand, you show me you don't. What the poopie do you want me to do?

Blah. Now I'm just complaining and ranting.

I just hope 2010 won't get worse. I hope a certain someone would grow up and realize that I care about them and I'm doing all this for them. I hope they would notice my effort to make this work. I hope they would understand why I have been fighting for this relationship and I hope it's actually worth fighting for.

Gosh, a year has never had a bad beginning. At least, this is the first time in my life that a year starts out kinda bad. I wonder if I did something reaaaaaaaally wrong that caused this to happen.. -sigh-

OH.MY.GOD.

2009-08-15T23:25:00.000-07:00

So, the last time I posted something on here, I said that my boyfriend was moving to Canada. Now guess what; HE'S NOT GOING TO CANADA! I squeaked and squealed and hopped and couldn't stop smiling for a whole day right after he told me that. Here's the thing, though: I am really happy that he's going to stay here for at least one more year and spend his senior year with me, but I am kinda sad that he will not be doing some rock/metal band program, which that private school in Canada has.

I mean, (have I mentioned this in my last post?) I felt like I was the only one that held him back. He was all hyped up about Canada. Well, it was a good school and all, but I could tell that, even though he was kind of excited about going to a totally cool school in Canada, he was actually worried about me and, like me, he was scared that we would.. change- or um our feelings for each other would change since we would be faaaar away from each other.. same thang.

That is not happening anymore, though. So school pretty much won't be that different this year: he will be there to see me in the morning every day at school; he will be there waiting for me outside my classrooms; he will always walk me to the bus stop after school on the days we can't hang out (when we are busy and stuff); he will graduate from my school; and he will definitely (we've talked about this, lol.) go to prom with me.

But still, I know he's kinda disappointed. Really, that school was just too great. If my parents were not mind paying like thousands of dollars for high school, I would be going there now, lol (or I would prolly be in Japan right now). Moreover, he really has to study real hard so he can get into a good college; or even better: go to Boston University with me. I seriously love that school. Like, I fell in love with that school a while ago lol. I reaaaaally want to go there. And it will be really awesome if my boyfriend can go there too! I am, however, considering University of Maryland (and most likely he's gonna go there) as my second choice. Since it is close to home and they have a lot of scholarships for in-state incoming freshman, it'll be way cheaper than going to BU. I wouldn't stress my parents out too much, i guess :P.

Anyway, school starts in 2 weeks and I am somewhat excited. It's my senior year in high school and I do hope it will be a good year. I promised myself that I would do better this year, 'cause I really need to. And since my bf is staying here, I know I will be less stressed out. If he was in Canada, I would probably be like all distracted all day at school thinking about how long it was until he came back for winter, spring, and summer breaks.

Hmm that's it for now. I've been really tired lately because of work and marching/color guard practices. So I'm gonna go to bed now. Cya~

Please.. I don't Want This Summer To End.

2009-07-19T23:10:00.000-07:00

Wow there are just too many things I want to say here, but I think I won't be able to, 'cause I just have too much going on in my head and I know I'm not that good at expressing all that on a piece of paper.. or even technology- like blog, lol. One thing I know for sure, though, is that right now, I am probably the happiest and the saddest person in the world. Yeah, like I'm both happy and sad at the same time. Uh.. actually, I'm more like scared than sad.

I am extremely happy because lately, I've realized that I'm so lucky to have this really great guy as my boyfriend. I get moody and mad.. or sad easily, and sometimes I just don't feel like talking all of a sudden. I sulk a lot, and that's bad; really bad, and I know that. What's good and.. well, kind of weird, is that he wouldn't get emotional and leave me be like that. He would try to cheer me up, and he has this super awesome ability (lol) to always, and I mean ALWAYS be able to make me laugh no matter what. Like, when I cry, he will do or say something, and the next thing I know is I have been laughing for a while.

And that's not all. Every passing day, I find more and more reasons to love him. It's actually funny. I never thought I would love him this much. You know what's even funnier? At first, I thought he wouldn't even like me; I thought it was impossible for someone like him to be attracted to me: a short, absent minded, clumsy, moody, and selfish girl who daydreams and falls asleep a lot in most of her classes.

Gosh, I just lost my train of thought. I got lost in my mind for a while there- seriously, I stopped typing for like 10 minutes just now.

Anyway, I'm glad that this relationship has been really good. I don't know what to say anymore. Like I said, I have problems writing my thoughts down; I have too much going in my head. As I'm typing right now, there are flashbacks playing repeatedly in my mind.

Oh. I haven't mentioned why I am sad, or well, scared. He is going to this private boarding school in Canada as soon as this summer ends. And that is definitely why this summer means so much to me. I just don't want it to end. Ever.

It's not like I don't trust him or anything. I'm scared that all the distance and time apart might turn us into strangers again. I'm scared that we would grow apart and forget every thing that has happened. I mean, what if we won't have time to contact each other? What if... what if... -sigh- I dunno.

I just don't want to lose him. That's all. I know I'm kind of freaking out and all. I also need to stop being so scared of everything. I... need to grow up. I really hope that we can keep all the promises we've made :]

Um, I guess that's it for now. I'm gonna stop typing before I get too sad and cry too much (and yes, I've been crying for a while now. I JUST CRY EASILY, OKAY?).

P.S. I love you Connor

(Haha, isn't this blog post just so cheesy? :P )

Random Much?

2009-05-08T20:23:00.000-07:00

So lately, my friends in Indonesia whom I had lost contact with have been adding me on facebook. It's like, one by one, they appear out of nowhere and start talking to me again. I'm actually happy that now I can keep in touch with them, even though they are halfway around the world.

The problem is, they are friends with either random, sad, lonely people, or desperate people who want a bf/gf so badly that they think that anyone will do. Don't get me wrong. I'm honestly not trying to be stereotypical, but my friends' "friends" (*cough*-airquotes-*cough*) in Indonesia who use networking sites (i.e. facebook, myspace, friendster) are like that. Some of them live different lives on the net; like they pretend to be someone they wish they were, and the others, who are single and jealous wish to find a bf/gf online.

Well, I'm not saying that it is wrong to make use of networking sites like that. I don't oppose that idea, either. I mean, people have choices, you know. But I just can't take it anymore; I can't stand people who add me randomly, and start talking to me like I've known them before, but heck, I don't have a slightest idea of who they are. I'm totally fine if they just add me and talk about normal stuff. But in fact, they don't seem to know that I totally don't enjoy being asked about my life-every single aspect of it- by strangers.

They say, "Well, we are not strangers, since we are friends on facebook." Blah. Really? THEY DON'T EVEN BOTHER TO READ THE MOST BASIC THINGS ABOUT ME (on my facebook profile, duh) BEFORE THEY ASK ME RANDOM THINGS. Gosh. They go, "So, where do you live? (when I tell them where I live, they always think I'm lying) Which school do you go to, is it in [whatever city they live in]? Are you in college? Do you have a boyfriend?" UGH. DUDE, LEARN TO READ! And the most annoying thing they say would be, "Hey, why are you still awake? It's 3 in the morning now. Do you want me to comfort you, so you can fall asleep?" EWWW JERRRRRK. WELL THAT'S 3 AM IN INDO, NOT HERE. I JUST GOT BACK FROM SCHOOL.

Again, it's sad that there are too many desperate people on facebook. Sometimes they would say that if I decide to move back to Indo, I should meet them, blah blah blah. I've told them a billion times that I won't move back to Indo. I will visit my family and friends in Indo, though (I miss them lol). But when I do, I wouldn't want to meet those random, sad, and lonely dudes. They think that I'm so full of myself, 'cause I don't want to be friends with just anyone. Well, it's not like I don't wanna be friends with them, but honestly, they bother me too much. I feel that my private life has been.. invaded (eh? lol).

So yea, I have been really selective lately in accepting friend requests on facebook. I would read their names carefully and see if we have friends in common, and I would question myself if I really know them in real life. If I don't, I wouldn't take a risk, because I'm sick and tired of that shit.

As I said, I'm really trying to not be mean. I'm really sorry if I offend anyone. I just wish those random people could be more considerate before adding people on facebook.

The Artist In Me Has Awakened.. Once More

2009-05-01T19:42:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been really bored in most of my classes. Well, those certain classes are boring. I guess I'm just kind of unfortunate to be in those classes where the kids either goof off a lot, or just plain stupid. Stupid enough to think that no one is bothered by their unnecessary actions. So, I've decided to actually do things other than taking a nap and watching those kids arguing with the teacher.

I've decided to start drawing again.

So I drew this kind-of-chibi pic of my boyfriend sleeping lol. He said it was cute and he liked it :D (YAY!). I guess I have gotten a new motivation to continue drawing.

I used to take art classes at school, but blah, I couldn't fit an art class in my schedule anymore, even though my art teachers from freshman and sophomore years expected me to take studio art 2 (I took studio art 1 all throughout my sophomore year).

Now I'm kind of bummed, since I can't get my artworks displayed in art show anymore. Tonight is the art show closing night, and I'm somewhat disappointed.

I am satisfied enough, however, with my newest drawings, though I know my skills have not improved that much. So here they are:

New Blog (again! lol)

2008-11-13T15:10:00.000-08:00

So this is my 3rd time making a blog. a NEW one. AGAIN! lmao.